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HUMOR FROM GUYANA


A selection of good Guyanese jokes







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HE HAD THE NERVE


Every morning John would drive by Water St, and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $100.00.

After a while John started to give the beggar $60.00.

The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.

John then dropped to $40.00.

The Beggar noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting the $40.00 and said,

'Wah happening man'.. yuh use to give me $100..00, den yuh cut it down to $60.00, now is $40.00 whuh goin on?'

John replied, 'Boy, times get hard.

Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School...so you know how it is.'

The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief,

'So wait nah... yuh mean to tell me that is outa ME money yuh sending YOUR chirren to school???'


USING  AUTHORITY


A Guyana Police Officer (“Phantom-Black Clothes) stops at a large farm at

Amelia’s’ Ward, Mackenzie, Linden and talks with the farm’s owner.


He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegal grown drugs. This area full of

weed!!'

 

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

 

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Guyana Government, with me.'Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? I got it from President Jagdeo and Minister Rohee!! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land in this country! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

 

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the  Police Officer running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s pit bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

 

The officer is clearly terrified.The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells.. 'Your BADGE! Show him your BADGE! TELL HIM JAGDEO AND ROHEE SENT YOU!'


 




A CHANGE FOR THANKSGIVING


Harry, who lived in Ohio, was pleased when his friend sent  him a parrot from Guyana as a gift. After a period of apparent shyness, the parrot, to Harry’s delight, began to speak, but also to Harry’s dismay, the parrot’s words were absolutely filthy.


Harry tried to change matters by speaking in the best, kindest language to the bird and encouraged it to change its language. But to no avail. The parrot seemed to get worse.


It was a few days before Thanksgiving and Harry was expecting a large number of his best relatives in America to have dinner at his home. He despaired at what his relatives would think when they heard his foul-mouthed parrot. When nothing he thought of would work, Harry angrily snatched the bird, tossed it in the kitchen freezer and slammed the freezer door shut even as the parrot clawed the air and squawked loudly in protest.  After about a few minutes, he began to feel guilty and pulled it out.


The parrot was quiet at first, but later said “I know I must have hurt you by all the ugly things I said. I am very sorry and I promise never to say such things again.” Harry was relieved and thanked the parrot.


More silence. Then the parrot said “May I ask a question? ….. What did the turkey do?”


GOOD NEWS


Charles got home at about 2.00 in the morning, tired and sleepy after a two-day business trip. There was dreadful weather earlier in the night, so when he got to his bedroom and saw his two children sleeping next to his wife, he realized that the thunder and lightning drove them there that night. Charlie had to sleep on the little bed in the spare room, but he did not rest very well.


Next day he explained to his children, Regis and Shirley, that it’s OK to sleep in mom’s bed when the weather is really very bad but that they should go to their own beds when the storm was over.


Regis must have taken the matter to heart. When the family went to the airport to welcome him home from his next trip abroad, he greeted his father in the crowded airport with:


“Dad, I have good news.”

“What’s the news, young fella?” Charlie chirped.

“Nobody slept with Mommy while you were in America this time.”


DOING IT AGAIN

(emailed by Pat Hutson)


A couple who had been married for over 50 years were quietly sitting on the sofa. The wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.


"Dear" she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"

He reached over and held her tight.


"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"


With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I'm going for my teeth," he replied.

JOB NOT COMPLETE

Grandma Moses was walking with her little grandson along the Georgetown sea wall. The little boy begged her to let him go beyond the wall, just to get his feet wet. She agreed, and went with him. Suddenly a huge wave swept towards the sea wall and took the child out to sea. Grief stricken, she fell to her knees and, looking up to the skies, she implored the Lord to return her little Johnny. Almost immediately, another wave raced in to shore and deposited Johnny on the sand before her.


Grandma Moses examined the boy in detail. He was a little scared; otherwise he was  well. A few seconds later however, Grandma Moses turned angry and looked up again. This time she complained loudly: “This is not the way my Johnny came here. He was wearing a hat!”


LOOKING FOR A LAWYER


Villager visiting Georgetown: Any criminal lawyers here?

Georgetowner: A lot! But these guys are good. Nobody can prove it.


A GREAT WAY TO EXERCISE


The group was discussing fitness.

Jacko (with great enthusiasm): You know what's really great? Getting up at five in the morning, taking a nice cold shower, and then jogging for five miles before breakfast. The stretch along the seawall is really energizing. And early in the morning, Brickdam is really peaceful.

Henry: So how long you've been doing this?

Jacko: Starting tomorrow.


WHY BALGOBIN LAUGHED


Many years ago, as Balgobin and his two friends were walking toward the train at the Rosignol Train Station, they saw the "nut lady" and stopped to buy peanuts. As they were waiting for her to make change, the train hooted and quickly started out of the station towards Georgetown.

The three young men immediately broke into a run, shouting to attract the conductor's attention. Balgobin was carrying a bag and could not keep up with his friends. They raced ahead, caught up with the train and got on it as it gathered speed and left the station.

Balgobin stared for a moment at the departing train then started laughing uncontrollably. An acquaintance asked him why he was laughing like that although he had missed the train. Balgobin explained to him that he was the one who was supposed to be on the train. His friends had just come along to say goodbye to him.


GREAT WORK


The Minister of Government called a special meeting to which his staff was invited. He addressed them in these words: "Congratulations everyone! I'm happy to let you know that  I have been able to negotiate a special gift for all you hardworking people. I have a check for $100.00 for each one of you here in my hand. This is in recognition of your dedication and productivity over the past twelve months. I am pleased to let you know that should you keep up the good work, I will be more than pleased to sign them next year."


YOU SCARED ME


A passenger in Josey's taxi tapped him on the shoulder to ask him a

question. Josey  screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on

the pavement, and stopped six inches from a Regent Street shop window.

For a moment everything went quiet in the cab, then the Josey said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

Josey calmed down a little and  replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral hearse for the last 25 years."


BE CONSIDERATE


Sunday School teacher: “And why do we have to be quiet in church?”

Little student: “Because people are sleeping.”


UNREASONABLE


Mopsella was driving her new car in a rather dangerous manner. The police officer pulled her over on the Mahaica road and asked the beautiful Mopsella to see her licence. She became livid and shouted at the officer, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license. Now today you expect me to show it to you!"


THE HEARING TEST


Sally went to her doctor, very concerned about her husband, Joe. She told the doctor that she thought he was deaf because he never heard her the first time and always asked him to repeat things.

"Well," the doctor replied, "when you go home, do a test. Start by standing about 15 feet from him and say something to him. If he doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of his deafness."

Sally went  home and did exactly as instructed. She started off about 15 feet from Joe in the garden as he was transplanting some tomato plants and said, “Joe, when you comin’ in for dinner?” She didn’t hear a response. She moved about 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. She moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.  She moved right behind him and almost shouted “When are you coming in for dinner?”

He replied, “For the fourth time, in fifteen minutes.”


GOTTA THINK BIGGER


Hoppo and Braxy, two young men went into business. They  bought a truckload of watermelons, paying five dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to Stabroek  market and sold all their melons for five dollars each, the same price they paid for them.

After counting their money at the end of the day, they realized they ended up with the same amount of money they started with. "See?" said Braxy to Hoppo, "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."


WHY BENJIE GOT LICKS


In the old days, in some of the country areas the bathroom or toilet was an enclosed structure, called a latrine, over a trench with water in it. Body wastes released in the toilet fell into the water below. One day the latrine that Benjie's family used itself fell into the water.

Benjie's father called him and asked him: "Benjie, who push the latrine in the water?

Benjie began to stammer: "Da.... da.... daddy ...ah ...."

"Benjie. Who push the latrine in the water? Ah don't have time to waste boy."

"Is me, Daddy," Benjie managed to say at last.

His father then got out his whip and gave him a royal whipping.

Benjie was shocked because he had rarely seen his father so mad. And besides, he had been honest and didn't expect a licking.

Between sobs, he said: "But Daddy, you seh that when George Washington father ask him who cut down the cherry tree and he seh that he did it, he didn't get any licks, because he tell the truth."

"Yes," the father said. "But George Washington father was not in the cherry tree when he cut it down."


DE DONKEY DEAD

(via e-mail from Rodwell Thom)


Jonesy buy a donkey from Ramsingh, a old farmer partner, for $300. Ramsingh agree to deliver the donkey the next day.

Next day, Ramsingh drive up and said, "Sorry Jonesy, but I have some bad news. De donkey dead."

"Well gie me back meh money," said Jonesy.

"Worse news boy, I went and spen it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"Wha yuh go do wid him?" asked Ramsingh.

"You doan worry, I go raffle him."

"You cyan raffle a dead donkey. Yuh mad or what!"

"Who seh so....you makin joke. Watch me. I ent tellin nobody he dead," said Jonesy.

A month later Ramsingh bounce up Jonesy in the market. "Jonesy, wha happen with yuh dead donkey boy?"

Jonesy replied, "Ah raffle him off nuh. Ah sell 500 hundred tickets at 5 dollars and ah rake in $2,500.00"

"Nobody eh make noise?" asked Ramsingh

"Only de fella who win. So ah gie him back he five dollars!"


GOODBYE


The young government executive's bosses decided on some severe cuts in the department. It fell to him to tell his secretary that she was fired. This was very awkward for him, but he faced up to the task that Friday afternoon and told her: "Miss Jones, you are by far the best worker we have. You have done so much for this department, we have come to depend on you for a great deal of what goes on here and I don't know what we would do without you, but from Monday we're going to try."


THE REAL ME


Eileen, writing home from church youth camp in the interior:

"Mom, I met someone named Peter here. I would really like to know him better, but we're not allowed to wear makeup here, so he doesn't know what I really look like."


GETTING TO THE RIGHT SIDE


Mopsella and her friend Dropsella went out for a walk in the Botanic Gardens. They got separated, but soon Dropsella was able to see Mopsella across a pond.  "Yoo-hoo" Dropsella shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" Mopsella  look around then shouted back, "You are on the other side."


AN EDUCATION


Doris had had enough with Sam spending all his free time in the rumshop, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So Sam ordered a couple of XM five-year-olds and threw his down in one shot.

Doris watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Shucks! that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"See?," said Sam. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"


INSOMNIA


The psychiatrist at the Fort Canje Hospital said to Babsie, "Well Babsie, you've come a long way. I'm thinking of sending you home."

Babsie replied, "Doctor, I want to go home but you got to do something bout me husband first -- he he believe he is a fridge!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replied. "Lots of people have harmless ideas like that. They're called delusions. It will pass."

"But you nah understand," Babsie said. "He sleep wid he mout open, and the lil light dat come on nah allow me fo sleep."


MAC'S MYSTERY


It was time for the class to do some writing. Lil Mac, as his parents called him, went up to the teacher and said, "Miss Ellis, I en got no pencil."

"Mac," Miss Ellis replied, "you mean, "I don't have a pencil. .......You don't have a pencil. We don't have pencils. They don't have pencils. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

"No Miss Ellis," Willie said, "What happen to all dem pencils?"


A POLICY ON NAMES


The manager of  old Fogarty's Store in Georgetown noticed a new handyman one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?"  the manager asked the new man.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager got angry, "Look, I don't know what kind of low-class place you worked at before coming here, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It  leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to the men I lead by their last name only - Cumberbatch, Jones, Narain, Baker - that's all. And you are to call me Mr. DeFreitas. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new handyman paused then said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay ...... John, your shift tomorrow is 8 to 5"


THE VILLAGE IDIOT


Everybody knew that Handy was the idiot of Lancaster Village. People made fun of him and he never complained. Joshua was one of the people who loved to show people how foolish Handy was.

Today, he was showing a visitor to the village his favorite game. He took two coins from his wallet: a British Guiana penny (two cents), which was relatively large, and an eight-cent piece, which was smaller. In those days, even a penny could buy something worthwhile. He held both coins in his open hand and said to Handy, "Here, take any one you want." Handy replied, "I like the big one" and took the penny. Joshua put away his eight-cent piece and said to the visitor, "See what ah mean?"

The visitor's heart went out to Handy and he later looked for him in the village and asked him if he didn't know that the smaller coin was worth more than the larger one. Handy replied: "Yes, but if I take the eight cents, they would stop the game."


ONLY DISAPPOINTMENT


The muscular-looking young woman from San Francisco was very disappointed with the high prices of alligator shoes in the stores in Georgetown, Guyana. She decided that it was ridiculous to pay such exorbitant prices, so she would get her own, no matter what.

She armed herself with a gun and drove furiously to the Botanic Gardens. The workers there seeing this muscled young woman appear in tight jeans and a gun with a determined look in her eye, quietly moved aside and called the police immediately.

The police took about 30 minutes to get there. In the meantime, this young lady, outraged by the price of alligator shoes, was at work on the alligators in the pond. As the police arrived, they saw her shoot a large alligator, pull it out of the water and then throw it aside.

Four constables and a sergeant approached, guns at the ready. They discovered that she had already shot five alligators and discarded them. As they got closer, she was pulling  the last one she shot out of the water. As it came up, she examined the underside with a look of utter frustration saying, "No shoes again?" 


THE RIDE HOME


He was the eldest son in the family and everybody called him Big Son. Big Son was 18 and had a drinking problem.

It was no surprise then that his father was worried when Big Son asked to use his car to go to a party at Annandale on the East Coast Demerara. But the doting father could rarely say no to Big Son. So Big Son left Georgetown with his father's big Honda Accord.

He drank at the party, of course, and was stopped by the police at a roadblock. He was told to get out of the car to join other people the police were checking on. Somehow, the police overlooked him in the crowd.

He got home without being tested for alcohol and without an accident to his father's great relief. It was strange then that the police came looking for the owner of the Accord. The father said yes, he was the owner; no he did not drive it last night ... his son did.

Big Son answered his own questions. Yes, he was on the East Coast with the car last night; no, he did not drink. Yes, he drove home without accident and parked the car in the garage.

The policemen asked to see the car. When the garage door swung open, there was a large police car, big multicolored lights, police markings and all, sitting there.


KENNY KNEW


Kenny's mom tried everything but she couldn't get Kenny to stop sucking his thumb. So one day, when Kenny pointed to a man with a huge belly and said the man's belly was ugly, she asked him if he knew how the man got that way. When he said "No", she said "It's because he keeps sucking his thumb."

Kenny stopped sucking his thumb right away.

About a week after that, Kenny's mom took him to the supermarket. While she was busy shopping, he wandered away and soon was staring at a lady who was eight months' pregnant. She became annoyed because he followed her around, staring at her all the time. Eventually she snapped "Why do you keep staring at me like that? I don't know you and you don't know me." Kenny countered, "But I know what you were doing."


SAMMY'S LOGIC


When Sammy and his donkey cart couldn't get close to where the business was, he lost earnings big-time. There was a way to get there in spite of the other men and their carts crowding the street - but it meant going the wrong way on a one-way street.

 Sammy was aggressive. He tried it. The policeman warned him the first time, then charged him the second time. He tried to tell the policeman that his donkey couldn't read road signs, but the policeman, and later the magistrate, told him that he, the driver, was responsible.

But Sammy was determined. After standing without hope of getting work one day, he decided to defeat the law with his logic. He got a few friends to help him tie the donkey's legs, then he placed the donkey bodily in the cart. He then got between the shafts, effectively exchanging places with the donkey, and walked up the one-way street, pulling the cart. When the policeman challenged him, Sammy said triumphantly, "Don't talk to me. Talk to the driver."


PROMPT SERVICE


Baldeo, the businessman:  Mr. Kissoon, I know you are a top lawyer and your fees must be high. But please bear with me. I got all I can afford, $1,553.00 US, right here in cash. Business is bad right now. Would this be enough for you to answer just two questions for me?

Kissoon, the lawyer:  Sure, Mr. Baldeo. I'll make that do. What's your second question?


YES AND NO


Reggie and Charlie, both heavy smokers, had joined a church with strict rules. Reggie had just come from seeing the pastor, and he was quite upset. He told Charlie why.  "I asked him if  it was okay to smoke while praying. He told me no, flat."

"You did the wrong thing," Charlie replied. "I asked him if it was okay to pray while smoking, and he said yes."


COINCIDENCE


The teacher wanted his students to get a proper understanding of what a coincidence and asked them whether they could share any coincidences they had come across.

The class was quiet, searching their memories. Then Balgobin started to speak, slowly and obviously thinking hard. "Teacher," he said, "Me know one coincidence, and me does always wonder about it - how it happen so. Me father married one day. And dat same day, me believe de same hour, me mother married too. Dat is a coincidence."


LESSON WELL LEARNT


Judge (to defendant): "I note that in addition to stealing money, you took watches, rings and pearls."

Defendant: "Yes, your honor. I was taught that money alone doesn't bring happiness."


MANNIE AND THE MANHOLE


Mannie was jumping up and down near a manhole on Camp Street in Georgetown, shouting "Twelve, twelve, twelve  ...... ". Occasionally, he would look down into the manhole as he pranced about, to the amusement of passers-by. Most of them went on their way wondering what all the dancing and jumping of this huge man was about. And the shouting too! "Twelve, twelve, twelve .......". One man was curious to find out what it was in the manhole that Mannie was attracted to. He approached the manhole and looked down. Like lightning, Mannie was on top of  him and pushed him straight down the manhole shouting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen ......"


VERY VALUABLE


Two Christian East Coast Demerara youth groups, from the Methodist and Anglican churches, played cricket against each other in Georgetown. Before they started the game, the Methodist pastor was asked to lead the youth in prayer. He did so. The young men then began the game, which the Methodists won. Next Sunday, the Methodist youth presented their pastor with a trophy inscribed: "Most Valuable Prayer."


THE ANGRY PSYCHIC


Mabel went to see the most famous palm reader in the district. She really wanted to know what the future held for her. She went to the palm reader's "office" and was greeted warmly by Sister Charity's assistant. Mabel was asked to wait and was assured by the assistant that she was about to have an experience that would certainly change her life. Soon, there was a knock on the door. A policeman came in and asked to see Sister Charity. He went into Sister Charity's room and soon Sister Charity's voice became louder and louder. She then opened the door and called in her assistant. After a few minutes, the assistant came out looking shaken. "People are real bad," she said. "Imagine that, the police got Sister son on charges. Dat is bad enough. But to think that she own brother did know all along what was going on an he never said a word to she!"

Mabel didn't want Sister Charity to tell her about her future any more. She left.


SAMMY AND HIS BAGS


Sammy was a big problem to the guards at the Guyana National Trading Corporation. From the first day they saw him appear at the gate with a bag on his bicycle they were suspicious. They challenged him immediately.

“What’s in that bag?” one guard asked.

“Sawdust,” Sammy replied.

“Let’s see it,” the guard demanded, and made him empty the bag. As there was only sawdust in the bag, they let him put the sawdust in again.

The second time Sammy appeared with a bag on his bike, they made him go through the same routine, hoping to catch him one day.

They let him go without a search the third and fourth time, then pounced on him the fifth. Still, it was only sawdust. Soon the guards gave up, although they were still suspicious about Sammy’s bags.

After a few months, Sammy stopped fetching bags and wasn’t seen around there any more.

One of the guards saw him in the street, looking quite prosperous, and asked him what he was really up to with those bags.

“We knew you had to be stealing something,” he said. “What was it?”

“Bicycles,” Sammy answered.


MATT, THE TOUR GUIDE


They say that Matt, the tour guide in Guyana, specializes in zoo and interior tours. Here are some of his memorable lines:

 “Our interior areas are second to none. You are in one of the most interesting ones. Feel that heavy mist about your faces? That’s from the monkeys in the trees.”

 “Our tigers are among the most aggressive in the world. They can jump a fence 18 feet high. Not to worry though. Come up close. We made this fence 19 feet high.”

 “We used to have a baboon in this part of the zoo, but he quit. He was tired of monkeying around. We had an elephant too, but he too left. He was tired of working for peanuts.”

 “OK, we’re in the section where the keepers exhibit five venomous snakes. But wait …… there are only three in place. Step carefully, the other two may be lying around somewhere. Or they may be up in the tree branches. Just be calm. Panic makes them strike.”

 “Aha. Here’s my favorite pond. The crocodiles here are always looking for a handout. But be careful. We had a history teacher who wasn’t quick enough, and now she’s teaching shorthand.”

 [Our attempts to locate Matt failed. Nobody seems to know Matt, even though many know the name.]


AND ALSO WITH YOU


The way mass always ended was with the priest's blessing, "The Lord be with you" and with the response from the congregation, "And also with you."

And at this mass, it was business as usual, except that the priest who was wearing a lapel microphone realized that it was not working well and said almost to himself as he tapped it, "Something's wrong with this microphone."

The congregation knew he had spoken, and replied, "And also with you."


GOOD NEWS .... NEWS, ANYWAY


Clarice:  Daddy, you remember you promised to take me to Barbados 

           for a holiday if I got at least B grades this year?

Dad: Yes.

Clarice:  You said it was going to cost a lot of money, remember?

Dad: Yes.

Clarice: Well, here's some good news. You've just saved a lot of money.


WANTING TO OBSERVE


Boy:  Aunty, please drink some of my tea.

Aunt: I don't feel like drinking tea now.

Boy: Please, aunty. Just a little bit.

Aunt: I don't want any tea now. Leave me alone.

Boy: Please drink some sorrel then. Pleeese.

Aunt: I don't want any sorrel. What's your problem.

Boy: Well .... I heard Mom say that you drink like a fish.

          I want to see how you do it..


EARLY START


Husband:  I have two tickets for that show at the Cultural Centre.

Wife: Good, I'll start dressing right away.

Husband:  Great. You'll be ready in time. The tickets are for tomorrow night. 


DEALING WITH AN ACCIDENT


Wife: Ow! Ah bump me crazy bone."

Husband (not looking up from his dinner): "Well, comb you hair so it don’t show."


THE SCHOOLMASTER AND THE TRAIN


Once trains ran along the Demerara and Berbice coasts in Guyana. At Buxton, the schoolmaster, Mr. Wendell Harry, was seen running alongside a train as it left the station. He failed to catch it, stopped, and walked back. For Mr. Harry, this was strange behavior. He always walked in stately fashion and never hurried. Maxie, the village bum, was amused.

"Ah see you nah ketch de train, Mr. Schoolmasta," he said.

"You came to an erroneous conclusion, you bum," replied Mr Harry as he pulled up his shoulders and stuck out his chin. "I just did not like the look of this miserable train and chased it forthwith out of the station."


DON'T BLAME THE MAN


Tired with criticisms of the passport pictures he took, Nelson the photographer decided to put up a notice in his store: "Want a better picture? Bring a better face."


LIQUID SOLUTIONS


A visitor from the United Nations was provided with accommodations at one of the government rest houses in the Essequibo area. When he arrived there, he noticed that his bed was not fitted with the mosquito netting he expected to find. He complained to the keeper and was told, "Well you see sir, everybody round here does get so drunk by bedtime, they don't feel no mosquito. And by the morning, the mosquito get so drunk, they don't bother anybody."


        

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 more humor ...... from the rest of the Caribbean




THE HANDICAPPED PRIEST


The priest at Christ Church in Georgetown bought a used car with a bad reputation. One of his parishioners was heard saying to another, "I'm sorry for the poor old chap. He's bought that car, but he doesn't have the vocabulary to drive it."


NOT GUILTY AS CHARGED


Sonny pleaded not guilty to the charge of stealing a cow and asked to explain what happened.

"Your Honor," Sonny said, "Ah was going home and ah saw a piece ah rope, just lying there. Ah pick up the rope and took it home. When ah got home, dis man here come tellin me I thief his cow. Is only then, when ah look at the other end of the rope that I see a cow was there."


A TOP JOB


Sam left Parika in Guyana for the States and returned after fifteen years. He was impressive in his fine suits and made it clear he was doing well.

When asked about his job he said he wouldn't talk about it ... but it was a top job.

One of Sam's friends phoned someone in the US who knew Sam, feeling that Sam might be holding down a big job in the CIA.

"As far as I know, he's mowing grass at a cemetery. What did he tell you?" the friend in the US asked. 

"Sam said he wouldn't talk about it. But he had over 500 people under him and even with them, silence is the word. He said it was a top job."

"Heck! I suppose he's right."  


CONFESSIONS


One Sunday, JohnJohn went to church and heard the pastor preach a sermon that really shook him up. He realized what a terrible life he was living and wanted to unburden himself to someone who would be kind enough to listen. Boysie was just the person for that. JohnJohn and Boysie sat down while JohnJohn poured his heart out. He felt so guilty about the many people he lied to, and told lies about, and the way he cheated friends out of this and that ..... all the things he could remember. And Boysie listened all the while, asking questions here and there. When JohnJohn was done, there was a silence. Then Boysie spoke: "JohnJohn, you  not the only one with a problem. I meself gat a serious problem. An a can't get rid of it. I tried for years and is like a can't help meself. The  problem is that a can never keep a secret."


TELEGRAPH FROM PORKKNOCKER OCEAN SHARK

(If you are not familiar with the kind of creolese used in this story and with the mentality of the typical porkknocker, you may not readily understand this story).


Ocean Shark, also known as Bully of the Bush, was regarded as the toughest of porkknockers. He arrived at Bartica from up river loaded with gold one day and began to make preparations for going home to his village and to his lady love, Angel Baby, in fine style. He swaggered into the Post Office and addressed the Postmaster: "Hi Mista Postmaster. Knack the backra wire fo' me. Put um say, Ocean Shark to Angel Baby, Buxton. Comin tomarra steama'. Go Mista Booka, order carriage, footman and lap (lap-dog). Tell schoolmaster loose children one a'clack. Passin through village four a'clack. No 'spansible who kill. Gold in abundance."


FINAL RITES


Two porkknockers who were friends struck it rich in the interior and were returning home in a boat with a lot of diamonds and gold. One of them, John-John, was an ordinary guy. The other considered himself of high pedigree and everyone called him The Sultan of Turkey. At one point, the boat hit a rock and tilted, throwing John-John into the turbulent water of the Cuyuni River. While John-John was struggling for his life among the slippery rocks, the Sultan of Turkey managed to maneuver the boat and secure it. He was also able to get out and stand on a dry rock. As he stood there, John-John cried out, "Help me! Mr. Sultan, help me!." The Sultan spread his legs and lifted his head high as he said, "Pass on from life into eternity, John-John. If the Lord had wanted, he would have provided a rock for you as he did for The Sultan of Turkey. Pass on." 


WHAT A SNAKE!


A porkknocker told of a snake he encountered. The porkknocker said he was sitting outside his tent when he saw a huge snake appear looking around as if deciding what to do next. It was such an enormous snake that he panicked and ran inside his tent to hide. He was sure he could not escape from this beast because his tent had a wide opening on one side and an equally wide one on the other side.


He told how as he cowered in a corner and prayed, the snake pushed its head into the tent, looked around, and promptly raced through the other opening. For over half an hour he remained there terrified as the snake sped through his tent causing the earth to shake under its enormous weight. He was not sure how long this went on because he passed out. When he regained consciousness the snake was gone.


L.F.S.B.


Acronym for Linden Forbes Sampson Burnham or

                    Looking For Something to Ban.


THESE SENIOR CITIZENS! 


Charlie: Well you know John, happy birthday and all that. But soon, like it or not, you gonna have AIDS.

Johnny: You got to be crazy! Me? Get AIDS? Something I didn't get when I was young? What kind a madness you tellin me?

Charlie: Is no madness, John. Senior citizens get more aids than anybody else - hearing aids, walking aids, all kinds of aids.


DEATH ANNOUNCEMENT SENT TO RADIO DEMERARA


The death is announced of Mr  SALTFISH
He was the husband of Banga Mary; Father of 3 gold fishes, Patwa, Kaka Belly, and Silva Bait; Brother of King Fish of St Vincent, Flying fish of Barbados and Cod fish of New York, Cousin of Trout, Butter fish and Sunfish. Uncle of Hassa, Hourie, and Basha; Grandfather of Piranah, kufum, Himarah, and Lukunani;  Great grandfather of Pink Salmon and electric eel. Friend of  sharks, whales and sardines.


Arrangements for the stripping and viewing of Mr SALTFISH.will be announced later. All onions, garlic, black pepper, sweet peppers, celery, tomatoes, limes , thyme and fry oil are asked to attend. Bring plates by request.





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